Evie's Memorial Service...a letter

It's been almost a year since I have written on our family blog. I haven't decided whether or not I will begin posting again regularly, but I wanted to post the letter we wrote for Evie's memorial service on our blog to share with those of you who weren't able to be with us that day.   It's our privilege to share what little we know of her with you through this letter.  I hope you will get a glimpse of our deep love for our girl and how grieved we were to lose her, as well as see the great hope we have because of Christ.  Our hope has proven to be a trustworthy anchor to our souls in the midst of this storm.  As my dear pastor says, "grief is great but grace is greater." Finding this to be true in each moment.

Dear Family and Friends,

                We are grateful to have each of you with us today.   Your presence with us today as well as this past week have been a source of great comfort and even joy as we have grieved the loss of our sweet Evie girl.  God has used you all to show his tender heart to us and we are so grateful.  Thank you so much for all your calls, cards, gifts, texts, flowers, meals, visits, help with our children, and your prayers.  We have truly felt “carried” by you all during this time and it’s because of your presence and your prayers. 

                                            

Last Tuesday, Nov 3^rd is the day we learned of Evie’s death.  Our hearts have been so very grieved as we have begun to adjust to the reality that we will live out our days on this earth without her.  Our moments of having her in my womb and our short moments holding her Tuesday evening leave us with a deep hole in our hearts and a longing for more time with her. We so long to snuggle her, to see if her hair really was red and curly, to laugh at her antics, to discipline her, to watch her love her brothers and sister and to become a Huffman, with all our quirks and family jokes. 

The reality that those expectations will never happen leaves us deeply sad but not without hope.    On the morning of Nov 3^rd, as we headed to the hospital, God reminded Andy and I separately of Psalm 139…”All the days of my life were written in your book before any of them came to be.” Though we had expectations of a life here with Evie, God knew the number of her days.  And he knew that the day we learned of her death would also be the day we learned of her birthday in heaven. 

And it’s her birthday in heaven that gives us great cause for joy and hope.  Our deepest longing for each of our children is that they would love and trust Jesus and live with him for eternity.  On Nov 3^rd we were given a precious gift….the  knowledge that our Evie has begun her eternal life with Jesus and that she is safe in heaven cheering us on as we sojourn on this earth.  She knows the joy of seeing her Savior face to face.  She is able to fully enjoy Jesus and his people without her sin nature in the way.  She knows joy beyond what we can imagine.  And one day, we too will see our Savior face to face alongside her.   Though it feels far to us now, we know that soon we will be with her, enjoying our Savior with her and getting to know her in deeper and fuller ways than we ever could have on this earth. 

As we laid her little body to rest this week, God reminded me that she is such a gift to us.  Not only a daughter, but now our sister in Christ. He gave us a new person along with the promise of getting to enjoy her for all of eternity.  Though we know so little of her now, we are truly those proud parents who are excited to share her with you.  

When we found out we were pregnant, we were both quite surprised.  Because of fairly serious complications after Judah’s birth, we had decided it would not be wise to have any more biological children.  Deep down I longed to have another child.  Though I was fearful of further complications, I was also excited.   From the beginning of my pregnancy, God gave me such a deep peace about my own health as well as our baby’s health.  Her life felt like such an unexpected gift and God gave me so much grace to trust him with the uncertainty of my own health issues.  That surrender and peace has continued to be there as we have grieved her this week. 

As we began to adjust to the idea of a fourth child, our hearts grew excited to get to know her.  Just as our other children are such treasures and getting to know them has been such a source of joy for us, we knew getting to know her would be as well. 

We named Evie after my two grandmothers.  My paternal grandmother Eva is incredibly gentle and loving.  She and I spent many Sunday afternoons together in her swing enjoying the shade of her giant magnolia tree.  She loves begonias, NC state football, and made sweet potatoes, beets and cabbage and slightly sweet tea for many of our special Sunday lunches.  She is close to her homecoming in heaven and I love to think of our Evie helping Jesus welcome her home.

My maternal grandmother Christine is strong and loving.  She has called me Lucy for most of my life.  My brother and I spent many nights with them and I have happy memories of her back scratches, popcorn before bed, and learning to drink black coffee at her house.  Her house and her love were a source of refuge for me during several difficult seasons in my life. 

Andy and I have been well loved by these women and we were excited to name our girl in their honor.  Andy came up with the idea of calling her Evie.  I loved her name from the beginning but I love it even more now.  He pointed out to me after Evie’s death that her first name Eva, points to her humanity…being made in the image of Adam and Eve and that her middle name Christine points to her unity with Christ….now being made in the image of Christ.  Her name is a summary of 1 Corinthians 15:49

Just as we have borne the image of the man of dust, we shall also bear the image of the man of heaven.  As Evie bore the image of the man of dust, so will she forever bear the image of her Savior, Jesus Christ.

Our children were also excited for a baby sister.  Evie received many kisses and “leg hugs” from Judah while in my belly.  He truly loves her.  Emma Grace and Jack were also eagerly waiting to meet her.  They asked if they too could share some stories about Evie with you.   Emma Grace wrote “My sister had a short life but I had some memories of her.  These are some of my memories.  The first time I felt her kick I felt happy.  Here’s another memory:  I loved seeing the ultrasound pictures of her.”   Jack wrote, “I would like to tell you some stories about Evie and I will start with this one.  She had red hair and had chunky cheeks. She even had a small body.” 

Along with these memories we also enjoyed excitedly sorting her clothes, dressing up my belly for Halloween, Huffman hugs with my belly in the middle and singing Jesus loves Evie girl.  Her time in my belly was undoubtedly filled with the noise of our voices! 

Our favorite family memory of her in my belly was the morning I woke them up with a big smiley face drawn on my belly and said “Evie says HI!!”  We all laughed heartily.  Then the kids proceeded to draw faces on their bellies as well.  For about a week I would catch Judah coloring his belly with markers! 

Those few memories are gifts to us and leave our hearts longing for more of her.  Evie was a surprise gift to our family…. A gift we just have to wait until heaven to fully unwrap. 

We gave my grandmother balloons when we told her we were naming her Eva and we also released pink balloons when we told our family she was a girl.  I chose balloons for the service today because we can truly celebrate today.  Yes we grieve, but we also celebrate.  We celebrate the life God knit together in my womb.  We celebrate curly red headed Evie Huffman, an eternal soul who is our daughter and also forever our sister in Christ.  We celebrate that our Savior tasted death for us so that Evie, like us, can live forever. 

As we grieve and celebrate today, I pray these words from 1 Thessalonians will encourage your hearts, as they have ours: 

13Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. 14For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. 15According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. 16For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. 17After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. 18Therefore encourage one another with these words.

Here's one of the songs we used for her service.   

NEW BEDS

After all the presents were opened, we sent the kids upstairs to put their new comforters on their beds!  They were very surprised to see new beds in their rooms!!  So fun to surprise little ones!  

 She's thrilled about her princess bed.  (And so am I...much more comfortable to have a double bed to read to her or snuggle with her! )

 And the boys...equal amounts of jumping commenced when they saw their bunk bed.  We've all been dreaming of this for a while!

 He slept in his Ninja Turtle gear the first night!

Judah, our dear third child, has spent many many night in bed with us.  Thankfully he's mostly sleeping in his own bed these days.  But he still loves when Mommy and Daddy snuggle him to sleep.  Something I never did with my other two....but sooo wish I would have!  Happy snuggling to us!

Two going on five

On most two year old's Chirstmas wishlist:  legos, a scooter, and a soccer ball. 

 On Judah's:  A barstool.

Yep,  A barstool!  When you have older siblings and you think you are five rather than three, it seems cruel not to have your own little spot at the bar!  A barstool means eating at the bar which means no more high chair!  He'd thrilled...and we are bracing ourselves!

He's Happy

This man is happy...he's wanted a swing for a while and the kids got him one for Christmas.  Think there will be many lazy Sunday afternoons putting this to good use!

The Good Gift from the Good Father

6:30 am. Pour the cereal. Give a hard-to-wake child a gentle foot massage to start the morning.  Shout hooray out the back door for a wild boy running touch downs.  Strip the sheets, just like yesterday and the day before. Start the wash. Change a diaper. Help the sleepy child get dressed.  Warm leftover beans and rice for lunch.  Correct the spelling on his last minute homework.  Brush tangled hair. Pour cinnamon in the oatmeal. Scramble to find all the folders and misplaced homework.  Tie the shoes. Read a Bible story. Peel an orange.  Referee an argument over the small football.  Make sure curious little ones stay in the driveway as the trash truck arrives.  Speak soothing words over the anxious child, nervous about school.  Look into their eyes and pray a blessing over these little people fast becoming big people. Kisses. Out the door.

Light a candle.  Find my favorite blanket.  Ask the Lord to show me his heart of love for me.  I am empty, days spent far from him.  My heart has begun to doubt his Father's heart, which often happens when I stray away from his word, from trust, from love, from him. I read these words:

 Now suppose one of you fathers is asked by his son for a fish; he will not give him a snake instead of a fish, will he?  Or if he is asked for an egg, he will not give him a scorpion, will he?  If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him?” Luke 11:11-13

It's true.  I am evil, a chief of sinners, my heart proving it over and over.  Yet somehow I know how to give good gifts to my children.  This morning I gave them food, attention, help, guidance, prayers, cinnamon and a loud hooray, good gifts to meet their needs.

 How much more will my Father in Heaven, who is NOT EVIL, but good, and perfect, kind, and generous, give me a good gift, yes,  the Holy Spirit.  As I meditated on why the Holy Spirit is the good gift Jesus mentions here, I thought of two scriptures:  

And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love Romans 5:5

Because you are his sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, "Abba, Father." Galatians 4:6

The good gift is the Spirit who sheds the Father's love in our hearts, connects us to the Father, teaches us to call him Daddy. In giving the Spirit he is giving us himself.  And this is the gift our souls need the most: CONNECTION WITH GOD

If I who am evil can give provision and protection, cinnamon, and discipline,  how much more will  he who is kind and generous graciously give me Holy Spirit, yes give me himself!    

I blow out my candle.  Take my last sip of tea, now cold from these moments of quiet and head into the day. I've got a God who gives good gifts, yes, the best gift.  I am strengthened once again to graciously dole out good gifts to my people.  

No. Well, sort of....

A friend asked me recently if I had any new year's resolutions.  It was easy for me to answer her as I had already been thinking about the subject.  The answer: No.  Well...sort of.

I have had a wonderful year of naming gifts each day(my 2014 resolution) , but this year when I think about making some sort of resolution or goal I immediately feel tired.  I am pretty sure I have never fully kept a resolution in all my life and on top of that I have areas in my life where I am already wanting to grow, needing and trying to grow.  But to add a plan or to pile something new on just makes me weary.

More than that, I know myself:  it's not the resolution itself in these areas that can change me.    A person can change me, but a plan, nope.

I had already decided that my new year's resolution would simply be to depend more.  Instead of mapping out a new eating plan or an exercise routine, or charting a course for self recovery in my pride, and materialism, I am just gonna depend.  I am going to draw close to the one who can change me and will change me in his timing.  Right now, that's all I've got and the good news is, that's all he wants from me anyway.

The reason a plan won't change me?  My sin patterns and bad behaviors have deep roots. A plan focuses on my behavior, but I need someone who can transform my heart...the root of all of my bad behaviors.   I need a person, yes Jesus, who knows the depths of my heart, to show me what I am loving in place of him, to teach me to drink from his well instead of the broken cisterns I choose each day.  And this Jesus is so capable.

As I have mulled over this idea the past few days it's been really freeing.  Are you tired like me?  Are you at the end of yourself and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that a new plan ain't gonna cut it?  I don't have anything in me to muster up...which is right where my Savior wants me...so instead I will draw close to him, crying "Lord have mercy on me, a sinner" each and every day, and watch what he does.

Instead of being better, I want to be closer.

Instead of walking in my strength, I will walk in dependence on him.

Instead of a call to behave, I will heed the call to behold.

In place of a plan, I will put prayer.


For 2015,that's all I've got folks.  Thankfully, it's more than enough.

GRATITUDE 243 Mountaineer Time!!

Jack and Andy share a love for football (esp the Mountaineers), so many Saturday afternoons are often spent watching games! And Judah is growing to love the Mountaineers as well!  Thankful for the sense of belonging that comes with being a part of a family.  Thankful for common interests and loves.  Thankful for Daddy time!