No. Well, sort of....

A friend asked me recently if I had any new year's resolutions.  It was easy for me to answer her as I had already been thinking about the subject.  The answer: No.  Well...sort of.

I have had a wonderful year of naming gifts each day(my 2014 resolution) , but this year when I think about making some sort of resolution or goal I immediately feel tired.  I am pretty sure I have never fully kept a resolution in all my life and on top of that I have areas in my life where I am already wanting to grow, needing and trying to grow.  But to add a plan or to pile something new on just makes me weary.

More than that, I know myself:  it's not the resolution itself in these areas that can change me.    A person can change me, but a plan, nope.

I had already decided that my new year's resolution would simply be to depend more.  Instead of mapping out a new eating plan or an exercise routine, or charting a course for self recovery in my pride, and materialism, I am just gonna depend.  I am going to draw close to the one who can change me and will change me in his timing.  Right now, that's all I've got and the good news is, that's all he wants from me anyway.

The reason a plan won't change me?  My sin patterns and bad behaviors have deep roots. A plan focuses on my behavior, but I need someone who can transform my heart...the root of all of my bad behaviors.   I need a person, yes Jesus, who knows the depths of my heart, to show me what I am loving in place of him, to teach me to drink from his well instead of the broken cisterns I choose each day.  And this Jesus is so capable.

As I have mulled over this idea the past few days it's been really freeing.  Are you tired like me?  Are you at the end of yourself and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that a new plan ain't gonna cut it?  I don't have anything in me to muster up...which is right where my Savior wants me...so instead I will draw close to him, crying "Lord have mercy on me, a sinner" each and every day, and watch what he does.

Instead of being better, I want to be closer.

Instead of walking in my strength, I will walk in dependence on him.

Instead of a call to behave, I will heed the call to behold.

In place of a plan, I will put prayer.


For 2015,that's all I've got folks.  Thankfully, it's more than enough.

GRATITUDE 243 Mountaineer Time!!

Jack and Andy share a love for football (esp the Mountaineers), so many Saturday afternoons are often spent watching games! And Judah is growing to love the Mountaineers as well!  Thankful for the sense of belonging that comes with being a part of a family.  Thankful for common interests and loves.  Thankful for Daddy time!

GRATITUDE 242 Christmas Performance-Judah Style

So grateful for this little class and for the kind teachers!  Judah's Christmas performance was cute...I would have posted a video, but Judah didn't sing the whole time.  Instead he picked his nose and cried...so not to much to see!  HEHE.  But it was delightful.  He loves school and I am grateful for the way these sweet ladies point our kiddos to the gospel.  They are reading through the Jesus storybook Bible, which is one of our favorites.  Our kids are soooo blessed to hear the gospel from such a young age.  God is so kind to our little family!

GRATITUDE 241 Sunday evening baseball

Thankful:

For our Cul de sac
For shorts weather in December
For all the fun people we live near
For cul de sac baseball
For God's kind and lavish provision of our home, neighbors, and friends for our kids.  Kindness.

GRATITUDE 240 An Early Christmas

We had an early Christmas with my parents and it was delightful.  So grateful for these two, for their love and generosity and the really fun time we had this weekend!  

MY. PARENTS. ARE. AWESOME.  

EG made earrings for my mom, who was a very good sport and wore them (they were made with paper clips!!!)

GRATITUDE 239 They're off!

My kids have the best grandparents...the best.  So thankful for the way these two love my kids!

They're off to Legoland for Jack's 6th birthday.

GRATITUDE 238 This season

So thankful for this Advent season...we've had a great time working our way through the Jesse Tree and reading the grand story of God breaking into lives with incredible promises, radical grace, and an incredible plan to rescue his people in the face of their sin and brokenness.  As I have prepared my heart for his coming at Christmas, my mind and heart have been drawn to his second Advent.  Oh come quickly Lord Jesus!

Here are a few things I am thankful for in this season:

chocolate kisses each night with our reading....what delight they bring to my kiddos
Promises of peace with God, peace with each other, and peace in the deepest recesses of my soul!
That my God is wild with mercy, radical with grace, fiercely committed to glorifying his name by rescuing his people
A few cold days where we even had to turn on our little space heaters
Fall colors...yep fall is finally here in Florida
Christmas lights, hot chocolate and friends...a great night!

GRATITUDE 237 Happy Birthday dear Jack!

Tender and kind,
Strong and brave.
Fun and silly.

A gift to this mama indeed.   Happy birthday Jack.  I've said it many times...I am so grateful that I get to be your mama!

GRATITUDE 236 The whisper of the better tree

Satan is the Father of Lies and he's been spinning the same story since the beginning. If you stop and think about the root beliefs behind each choice to sin, you'll here his voice, you'll recognize his lies. Yes, Eve heard his lies loud and clear and she bit into the over-promising and under-delivering fruit of the first tree. We too so often sit under the shadow of that tree,  looking to what the world can offer us, and we don't even know we are listening to his lies.  See if you recognize his voice next time you are heading to pick the fruit yourself. It sounds something like this:

God will withhold from you

He doesn't really want you to have everything your heart really desires

He's not really trustworthy so go ahead, and take care of yourself.

He doesn't really love you

Don't trust him.

But at the better tree, the cross, God whispers the truth to your doubting heart:

I will not withhold anything from you, not even my son. How will I not along with him graciously give you all things?

Through this tree, I give you access back into my presence...where there is fullness of joy and pleasures forevermore. Yes, everything your heart could ever want....it's here with me.

And through this tree, you'll get my spirit too, which will constantly be pushing you to call me Daddy, yes, encouraging you back into loving dependence on me, your good Father.

Yes, at this better tree, in the face of your sin, I give you my son, I give you my spirit, I give you access back to me, your Father. I love you. I always have. I always will.

You don't have to take care of yourself....I love you. I will take care of you. Trust me.

I want to sit under the shadow of the better tree and let God whisper his words of love to my mistrusting heart. Yes, he loves me! Yes, I can trust him. The fruit of the tree, as much as it promises satisfaction and beauty offers nothing compared to the eternal joy and pleasures of being known by God and knowing him.

Let's find time to sit under the better tree and allow it's shadow of love to renew our minds to see him as he is: OUR GOOD HEAVENLY DADDY.   

GRATITUDE 235 Advent Traditions!

Christmas Season is Underway and I am thankful for a time to reflect on our Savior's coming.

Thankful for our Advent Traditions.

Thankful for my cute kids in Christmas pajamas

A fun "night before Advent" hot chocolate party with neighbors

Thankful that Christ has come into my life...that he is coming into all the broken sinful parts and is making me new!  

234 Thankful for Thanksgiving

What a fun day we had with our dear friends celebrating Thanksgiving!  So thankful for this day, these people, and a chance to give thanks in a BIG celebration kind of way!  

GRATITUDE 233 A year of Thanksgiving...My Reflections

I'm up early this morning to boil eggs, mash sweet potatoes, and make sure my turkey is happily brine-ing away.  My heart has been excited for this day all week.  Excited to celebrate with a few folks who are more like family than friends.  Excited to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade with my kids, to break out the karaoke machine (YEP!), and excited to eat one of our favorite spreads of the year.

But more than those fun things, my heart has been excited for this day because it feels like an apex to my year of gratitude.  Rather than a day that jolts me out of my INGRATITUDE and startles me with the call to THANKSGIVING,  this day feels like I've reached a climax of sorts.  For a long time I have lived  a life of INGRATITUDE and this day felt awkward, my thanksgiving almost forced.

But God, by his grace, has given me such a gift in showing me his command to give thanks in all things, at all times.  This year I've slowly trudged my way out of the valley of ingratitude and made my way up the mountain of thanksgiving...and the views have been spectacular.  I've seen things in the light of his love and my heart has become tender by what I have seen.  Yes, through giving thanks each day and in as many circumstances as I could, my heart has been softened and humbled as my heart has finally recognized my good Father's lavish, loving care of me.

Yes, thanksgiving has been the rappelling rope that's pulled me out of the valley of ingratitude and connected me to my Father's heart.  As I have scaled this mountain, here's a glimpse of what I have seen:

God's command to give thanks is about living in the light of his loving presence.  Yes we should give thanks for what he does each day to care for us, as we are indebted to him for every.single.thing. we have - from the breath I just took, to the food I eat, to the relationships I enjoy.  But more than doing what we "should" do, God calls us to gratitude because he wants us to SEE CLEARLY his heart as a giver.  He loves to give. He gives lavishly, most fully seen in our salvation.  When I stay in my valley of ingratitude I don't see the gifts for what they are, and more than that, I don't recognize that I have a good, kind, tender Father who loves to lavish his children with good things.

So for me, this year has been about naming gifts, but more than that, it's been about scaling the mountain into the light of his presence, drawing closer to his heart by the rappelling rope of gratitude.

And in the difficult parts of my life, I have chosen to give thanks...because God calls me, yes.  But more than that, these are really some of my most precious gifts.  As God promises in his Word, the difficult parts of life (the suffering, the dying) are what brings new life, being formed into Christ's image (the resurrection) and makes me more ABLE to love enjoy him, the greatest gift....so in suffering I give thanks because those are my most precious gifts, severe though they my feel.  My Father loves me so much that he doesn't stop with the smaller gifts of life and food and friends but goes so far as to SAVE me and then through the suffering kills my old man and makes my new man come alive...alive to his presence, which is in fact the greatest gift.  Yes, enjoying his presence is the greatest gift!

So today, I will eat my turkey and stuffing on top of the mountain of gratitude.  The view from here is spectacular, folks.  God's heart for me and his presence have never been seen so clearly as they are from this crisp, clear view.

God, through his call to thanksgiving in all circumstance,s is calling us all to see him clearly from the top the mountain!!  Isn't the view amazing?

GRATITUDE 232 a storm and the washing away of shame

We'd barely finished breakfast and I already felt emotionally battered.  A conversation about a long-sore subject in my marriage to start the day.  SHAME.  A missed parent-teacher conference and a reminder call from the teacher. SHAME.  Running into a friend who I have hurt deeply yet feel helpless in repairing the wound. Awkward hellos and a deep desire for her to know my heart in the matter.  SHAME.   It was 8:30 and thoughts of failure and shame were doing their best to beat me up. Shame has a way of using the present failures to gut punch, and then it throws a sucker punch in the face with past failures and weaknesses, leaving us bloody and staggering.  And the day was just under way.

I whispered to God that I desperately needed him to meet me....

The rain fell.  I heated up last night's coffee.  I opened his Word and my heart to what he might say. 

Rain storms have become one of my deepest comforts here in Florida, and they are rare in the fall, so I counted it as a great gift for today during this much-needed time with God. Very little about Florida weather is cozy except these giant storms which stop life in its tracks, displaying God's voice in the thunder, his power in the lightning, his faithfulness in the rain.  This gift of an intense storm bringing stillness all around, setting the stage for stillness in my heart - yes, God was bringing comfort to my battered soul.

And these words on shame spoke deeply to me...  

God showed me that for my sins, I have rightful reason to be ashamed. This is appropriate shame. Yet my precious Savior has taken on my shame, becoming my sin so I could become God's righteousness. Oh, sinner saved by grace, Jesus has taken away the shame you should rightly feel for your failures and sins!  As children of God, our shame has been removed and we stand as those who are unashamed, bold, beautiful, holy.  NO SHAME.  

And what about those weaknesses that aren't sin yet cause me to feel shame?  Being unorganized and missing meetings.  Not communicating with a friend the way I wished I would jave...And those tip-of-the-iceberg weakness have a way of reminding me of those deeper weaknesses that won't melt away as long as I live. Yes, my weakness run deep.  What does Jesus say to the shame I feel when those come up?

He calls us to boast in them! YES, BOAST! Yet how can I go from shame to boasting?   

God revealed this morning that my shame is so often self-centered rather than God-centered.  Rather than being rightly ashamed for what dishonors God, I am ashamed of what dishonors me in man's eyes. Rather than looking to honor Christ, I am looking to the world to honor me!  

Repentance needed.  Forgiveness granted.  Moving forward...

Christ's love is a banner over my life that says I am loved, adored, cherished just as I am, and it frees me from needing honor from the world!  In fact, it frees me so much that I can go so far as to boast in my weakness.  My weaknesses and my openness about them bring great glory to God because they show his enough-ness.  Rather than standing on my own strengths or accomplishments (which bring me honor in man's eyes) I can say with Paul, "His grace is sufficient, for his power is made perfect in my weakness...and I will therefore boast all the more gladly in my weaknesses."  Rather than feeling ashamed when I see my weaknesses, I can go the opposite direction, knowing that my God is so pleased with me when I boast about them!  Yes, now that I am firmly planted on the rock of his great love for me, I can boast about what makes me look small, foolish, and weak...because it makes him look big, wise, enough.  And isn't that what I really want?  

The antidote to shame over sin...the cross and what he says about me now.  

The antidote to my shame over weakness...looking to his love, repenting of self-centered shame, moving out in faith to boast in what makes me look weak and shows his great love and power.  

The rain fell all morning.  And God's words washed my shame away.  

Those who look to the Lord are radiant,

their faces shall never be ashamed. 

--Psalm 34:5

GRATITUDE 231 Home. Refreshed. Thankful.

So much to be thankful for now that I am home!

Happy hugs from all my kiddos and husband!
Restored health for our flu-ridden family
Strength to get back into groove of life-oh hello laundry and dishes, I remember you!
Left overs in the fridge from friends
Such a good time away with family and friends.  Such a gift.
T I M E to sit. to write. to drink lots of coffee.  to talk to my Gmaw
Time with
Angie
Sheryl
Kristi
Paula
Pam
Brandi
Chelsea

Gifts.  Thankful for a week away.  Looking forward to a week of naming graces back on the homefront!

GRATITUDE 230 A Veteran's Day Reflection

Like a troop of hungry men, these elderly gentlemen lined up with their trays, waiting patiently for their meal. K and W had joined America's celebration by offering a free meal to any United States veteran. As these elderly men shuffled along, cafeteria women slopped free helpings of chicken and stuffing and turnip greens on their plates, a kind yet meager attempt to thank these men for all they did for our country.   I marveled at all these men, proudly wearing hats that told of their service in wars gone by. Did this cafeteria style line take them back to the days when they lined up for a meal, hungry and tired after their shift fighting in the trenches? Or perhaps they were remembering the meager rations they shared with men who lost their lives alongside them. These men, each with a story to tell, no doubt, deserves a free meal, and so much more for their service of America.

I wish I could sit across from each man and hear his story of war. To eat our plates of chicken and stuffing together and let him me of the losses he saw, the sacrifices he made, the fears he had to conquer. To hear him tell with pride why it was worth it. Why America was worth it. Veteran's day fills my eyes with tears and my heart with gratitude for all these men and the ones fallen did for freedom. For justice. For America.

As my mind lingers in the cafeteria, my heart draws me to another meal, another celebration. The day that we, the eternally free, will celebrate our hero. He is the only veteran in this eternal battle for the freedom of a people he loved, a people held captive by sin and by a terrible enemy. At the party of all parties, he will set the meal before us. And Oh how I long to hear him tell his story. All the sacrifices of all the wars the world has ever known couldn't amount to the loss he took in laying down his own life, in losing his Father's approval, in taking on the wrath that sin deserved, to win this eternal battle. To defeat Satan and death and sin and rescue his people. This Hero deserves a cosmic celebration and that is just what he will have.

You see, the lives of the men in K and W and the ones America lost are telling the greater story of the greatest Hero. And just like those elderly men shuffling along with their free servings of banana pudding would tell us it was worth, so our hero will tell us THE WAR WAS WORTH IT. FREEDOM was worth it. JUSTICE was worth it. HIS KINGDOM and HIS PEOPLE were worth it. On that great Veteran day, no doubt, our hearts will fill gratitude, our eyes with tears, and we will bow before the HERO, saying with voice, WORTHY IS THE LAMB WHO WAS SLAIN!

GRATITUDE 229 so much

Fall leaves

Dinner with a family that loves me like their own

Airplane contrails

Brisk cool morning for a walk

Flock of birds landing nearby as I sat

Breathing deeply

Time to be

A morning run with my BFF since first grade

The comfort of old friends like her

The promises of God

My husbands sacrificial work caring for now sick kiddos so I can rest

Promises of future grace

A grandfather who cooks me breakfast every morning 

A grandmother who chats with me past midnight 

So many graces. So many gifts. 

GRATITUDE 228 Reading His story

The story God is writing is Breathtaking. Humbling. Mind Blowing. When I am zoomed in on what is right before me, it's hard to tell what is actually going on. But with eyes of faith I read the story in God's word and I am able to step back and see the greater story God is writing. It's a story that showcases the goodness and heart of the Author. It's about the glory of his grace. It's so much bigger than what he's doing in our little lives, or even our little slice of history. His story is happening on a grand scale, a cosmic scale. You see, God is writing the story of all stories and he is letting us read, no, live in the only story every written. Does it take your breath away to be part of this story?

The Author has always been. Yet he spoke this story into being and for now, the stage is this earth. He created this stage, full of beauty and warmth, a place where his people lived in innocence and peace, and in perfect relationship with their Author.

The stage quickly darkens as sin enters. The people don't trust the good Author. They hate the Author want to write their own stories. Now Innocence is gone. Perfect relationship with the Author is impossible. Their hearts are broken and the stage itself is broken. Though the Author loves the people, Sin and Death will play leading roles on the stage. As nations are formed and people multiply, sin and brokenness find their way into every individual story, every family's story, every nations story. Every heart hates the Author and the people have no power to free themselves from the sin and death that they invited onto the stage.

This darkening of the stage was written into the story before it began, because it sets the stage for Mercy and Grace. It sets the stage for the Author to showcase his heart of grace.  Before the story began, the Author planned the rescue. As sin and darkness take front stage, the promises of a rescuer give foretastes of how he will rewrite the story he's allowed them to create. The two thousand years of stories he writes in Israel's history of sin and rebellion set the stage for MERCY and GRACE to take the leading role. Can you imagine the darkness of those times as they waited?

No one would've ever guessed that the HERO would be the Author's son. But, remember, the story was meant to showcase his heart, his grace and the Author-man would do just that. In his life, he battles Brokenness and Sin and Death in a cosmic battle that ends on a cross. The Author-man of the story gives up his life on the stage he created to give the decisive blow to his enemies and rescue the people who have turned on him. This is the saddest and happiest moment in the story. The stage literally shakes at his death.  This moment is the climax of the story, the apex of seeing the glory of the grace of the heart of the Author, for this moment undoes SIN and DEATH and BROKENNESS for all who will trust the HERO.  Everything that has ever happened on the stage has been pointing to this moment. In victory over death, the Hero rises from the dead, showing that DEATH will not rule the stage anymore.

The chapter turns and he sends his followers out tell the grand story. He gives him his power to play their part of the stage and tell the story. To tell the people on the stage that sin and death and brokenness have been overcome by the Hero. That the grace of the HERO saves them from the WRATH they deserve. The Author doesn't want to wipe them off the stage, no he wants to bring them onto the next stage. YES the next!! .

You see, the story won't be played out on this stage forever. No, there's a new stage coming. The next chapter will open with the Hero's return. He will be King and death and sin will take the final blow and be no more. The old stage will be tossed away, and a new stage, yes a new earth will appear, and a city that cannot be shaken. What began in a garden on the old earth, was just a foreshadowing on what will re-begin in a city, on the new earth. This new stage will be like the garden, but so much better. Innocence and warmth, peace, and security will return. Like this new earth, we too will be made new, made like the hero. The people of the city will know the heart of the Author in a way the people of the garden couldn't . They will then see clearly the glory of the Author's grace in the face of the HERO and the memory of his death for them. The people on that stage will sing with full hearts of love and worship for being written into this grand story before it ever began. And because the Author is so good and generous and loves his HERO and people so much, that stage will never pass away.

As I zoom back in to my little life with these eyes of faith, I know where we are in the story. I know that the Author his showing divine patience towards this stage. Yes, he's gathering a people for the next chapter, a people who will trust in his HERO. As I see my life in view of the greater story being written, my heart gets in step with what the Author is doing. I want the small story of my life to tell the grand story of the heart of the Author. I want my life to showcase his MERCY and GRACE as I love the HERO and his cross and help others to do the same. Though my life on this stage will be brief, the grand story which I have been written into will never end.

When you read the story you've been written into, does it take your breath away? Do you see the kind and gracious heart of the Author as you read it? Like me, do you struggle at times to see the greater story, getting bogged down in the dailyness of life? What things help you remember the greater story and seek grace to tell the grand story in the smaller story of your life?

GRATITUDE 227 He's dazzling me

He has a way of dazzling me.  North Carolina Fall colors.  You do all things well.  

GRATITUDE 226 A week with these two

They've loved me from before I was born...

I wish everyone knew the warmth of grandparents like mine!  

GRATITUDE 225 Flying Away to Rest

I've been planning to take a week-long trip to spend some time with my lovely sister and meet that bundle of love she smoothly delivered just a week ago. Joy. However, the flu that landed on our household last week is likely still lingering so we decided against me taking those germs to my precious niece. Insert emoji teary face. No need to take chances with someone so tiny and fragile. Oh I can't wait to hold her. Isn't she beautiful? Just like her mama.

With a plane ticket already purchased and quite a few plans for childcare already in the works, Andy really pushed me to take the time away even though I won't be able to see my sister and niece. I balked at the idea quite honestly. I think a combination of guilt and the sheer volume of work it takes to “leave” was deterring me. But Andy would not let it go! That man is so kind to me. So here I am, sitting in seat 14 F, flying away to my week of Sabbath. A. WEEK. Of. Sabbath.

It was quite a bit of work to get all the childcare lined up for the week and think through coaching Andy to handle my normal responsibilities on top of his. You know things like homework and birthday parties and laundry and meals. That man is a saint for taking all this on so I could rest. A mini picture of the gospel really. He is working so I can rest. (Thinking on that picture does the heart good)

He will be just fine with out me. I didn't nickname him the Butler for nothing. He's quite competent at managing our home and puts me to shame in the cleaning department. And as he reminded me, God's grace will show up to meet his needs this week. Actually, it already has. God knows how weak and barely-keeping-my head-above water I am. Planning in advance how to feed 4 mouths for a week was a daunting task for me. No worries. God to the rescue. Totally unprompted by me and JUST BEFORE my grocery trip to gather food for my meals, a friend called and offered to coordinate meals for Andy and the kids. YEP, every night my people will be eating home cooked meals prepared and delivered with love by my friends. Body of Chirst=awesomeness. God is so tender with this “sheep caring for her young.” So though it was a lot of work to “leave”, God gave me strength for what I needed to do and he covered what was too much for me to do. GRACE FROM FIRST TO LAST.

As for the guilt, well, I just preached the gospel to myself when those feelings came up and peace and gratitude filled my heart. I am called to rest, yes commanded to rest. Receiving the gift of rest for my body and mind shows the greater reality of receiving the free gift of REST for my soul. I can't work for the rest my soul needs. No, it was given to me because Jesus worked. He worked a terribly difficult life of obedience and love and self sacrifice and worked an even more terrifying death on my behalf. He worked so I could rest.

You see, the discipline to get into rythyms of rest is about TRUST, which is at the heart of the gospel. It's about tursting the truth that he has worked on my behalf so I can rest. Trusting and resting is about putting God and myself in our rightful places. Him as worker...me as receiver.

In the small decision to rest weekly, I say to God “I am needy and I can't continue on without your renewing of my body and soul.” And in larger chunks, like this week, I scream it even louder. I NEED YOU. I am empty without you, Lord. FILL ME to love you. RENEW ME to serve you. It's saying “God, what I can't do, you can.”

Both the weekly rhythms and the longer times of Sabbatical point to the most fundamental way I need him to provide, as it relates to salvation.   I say again, “God I can't do, but you can.” Entering an abiding in a love relationship with Christ is receiving the invitation to eternal Sabbath, it's receiving the truth: He has worked so I can rest. 

So for now, I fly away to my week of SABBATH to rest my body and my mind.  And one day, OH BLESSED DAY, I will fly away to my eternal Sabbath!

Judging by the Flesh

Christ had just rebuked the Pharisees for condemning the woman caught in adultery.  "Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw the stone,"  He's making it clear to them that they have no right to set themselves up as judge over another, because they are just like her, sinful.  In an amazing act of grace, he, the one who has the right to judge, turns to her and tells her HE doesn't judge her.  The only one whose opinion really matters, the rightful ruler and judge, who sat enthroned on high for all eternity, had now come to earth to show he wasn't judging her....no he was going keep the law for her with a pure heart and take on the judgement and punishment she deserved.  This was grace.

After showing this never seen before kind of grace, Jesus returns to his conversation with the Pharisees.  "You judge according to the flesh" he tells them.  You see, the Pharisees had created all kinds of standards by which to judge people.  The law, which God had given was a part of their standard, and they had added even more burden to the law with their rituals and rules.  And they judged according to this fleshly standard.  The law was intended to show his people their evil hearts and their need for a Savior.  To show them the kind of life and the kind of heart God wanted and make them mournful over their sin.    Instead the leaders of the people, ironically the ones who studied this law day in and out, perverted it into a system of making themselves feel good.  In their flesh, they kept the rules and thus they felt righteous.  They had set themselves as judge, all the while missing the point that in our flesh, we can't be righteous.  Rules don't change our hearts.  Period. 

As I have thought over these verses, I see in myself the same heart of the Pharisees.  OH I have been given so much grace.   Not only do I know the law and how I don't keep it, I also personally know the one who kept it for me!  He is my Savior, yet I too want to be the judge.  I set up systems and rules for myself and others that feel attainable.  When I meet them, I feel pretty good about myself.  And when I don't, then I feel bad and I may even be tempted (like the Pharisees) to look around for someone who is "worse" than me, by my standard of course.  

I FALL AWAY FROM GRACE SO OFTEN!!    I hop on the judgment seat and use silly standards that I create to justify or condemn myself.  Recently, I have noticed this tendency in myself when it relates to how I am doing as a mother and as a school parent volunteer. It may sound small and silly, but my heart can find any pitiful way of justifying itself.  As I begin to drop some balls in both areas, that creeping feeling of condemnation starting coming in.  It took me a while to realize, but it was through this passage of scripture that God revealed what I was doing.  "You judge by the flesh."  I was looking to my actions, if I please the teacher's standards and got her approval, if I did enough at home, etc to make me feel justified.  (It's a pitifully low standard, yet it's the one my heart had created) Jesus pierced my heart with his words, showing me that I had fallen away from grace and was once again judging myself by my standards, by the flesh.  I was trying to be judge, rather than letting my Heavenly Father be my judge.

The good news for me, and for all of us who love Jesus is this:   Our hearts are so much more wicked and black than we can even know. There is in fact a standard I should meet:  holiness.  God knows my heart.  No amount of volunteer hours clocked or being a "gentle and kind" mom could ever change the sin in my heart.  YET the one who sits enthroned over all the earth and has the right to judge us and WILL judge all humanity, DOESN'T condemn me!  Because the only one without sin didn't pick up that stone to condemn me.  Instead, he became my sin so that I could become God's righteousness.  And now, all I know is grace.  God delights in me.  God sees me as a perfect child. 

The applications seem almost silly, but really they are huge. This is about whether or not I am walking in step with the gospel.  Whether or not I am returning to the yoke of slavery which Christ died to free me from.   I can hold my head up high when I walk into that school tomorrow EVEN THOUGH I DROPPED THE BALL AND MISSED TWO WEEKS OF VOLUNTEERING.  I am not held to a fleshly standard.  And I can stand in FREEDOM and LOVE rather than condemnation when I fail at home.  Living a life free of self condemnation is about taking myself off the judgement seat, and recognizing the grace given from the one who is TRULY on the seat.  Whether or not I hold my head up high tomorrow when I walk in that school is really about living in the freedom Jesus bought for me and magnifying him for it.  

So today, I am throwing my own standards out the window, I am kicking the systems and the rules out the back door!  And I am taking that judgement seat I have been sitting on and tossing it in the dump!!  I will not judge by the flesh.  I will let God judge me by the spirit.  I will open my windows to grace.  I will open my front door wide to the love and approval of my heavenly Father.  And when I am tempted to get back on that judgement seat, I will choose to look at Jesus who took the stones for me and to my Heavenly Father, the only one who is judge, and know that there is nothing but  grace flowing from his throne!

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."  Galatians 5:1

GRATITUDE 224 Kennedy!

So thankful for this precious new life!  My first niece!  Introducing Kennedy Blake Thacker!  I'm in love!

GRATITUDE 223 Friendship

I knew she was a gift the first day I met her.  I'd been praying for her for three years, asking God to bring a friend who loved Jesus to live next door in the vacant house.  I prayed fervently and boldly for this friend.  And out of all the people who had offers on that house (there were many) and in the midst of a crazy and complicated process to purchase this house, God choose her.  I am sure his plans for having her live next door to me are much bigger than my little prayers to have a Christian neighbor.  But God was listening to my little prayers.  HE WAS!!  And now I get to enjoy this gem of a friend week in and week out.  So thankful for you Jo, for your love for crafts and cooking, for our girls night out, for the way you so kindly and tenderly love my children.  Thankful that coming home means even more now that you are my neighbor!  I love you and I am so thankful for you!

A promise

I've been reading the story of Noah this week and thinking on God's promise. Thinking on how the people must have clung to that promise when they feared the wrath their sins deserved.    The antidote to their fears was clinging and trusting to the promise.  And for us, in the new covenant, we have an EVEN GREATER promise to cling to in Christ when confronted with our sin and the rightful wrath we deserve.

She had blown it.  Again.  She left potatoes boiling and walked out of the house towards the field where the tomatoes were still green on the vine.  Her mind was reeling as she replayed the words and actions of the past few minutes.  Condemnation gave way to shame as her mind moved from the guilt of that action to the guilt of her person.   She was dark and evil and she couldn't change.  As she gently fingered the wilting leaves of her plants, drops of rain gave a welcome distraction from the inner dialogue.  She was thankful.  They hadn't seen rain in over a week.  The rain fell harder and harder as dark clouds closed around her growing village.  For a moment the loud thunder of the downpour was a a bit louder than the screaming of her heart, pronouncing her guilty, once again. She picked up her step and looked for cover under a nearby tree.  The tree was still young, as all the trees were, and didn't provide the needed cover.

 And then it hit her.  That old fear.  It was a fear her heart knew well, as she had wrestled it since she was a little girl.  She'd heard her parents tell the story of the flood that had destroyed everything.  She knew first hand the pain and toil of starting over after the destruction.  Her whole life had been about rebuilding from that flood.  Her grandparents and her great grandparents were on that boat, and she knew that God was serious about evil.  He hated it.  And she was full of it.  What if, she thought, it happens again.  What if, she thought, my sin and the sin of our family has grieved his heart again to the point of destroying us? The fear was so intense that she could barely take the first step to walk home.

These paths in her mind were as well worn as the path leading to her little garden.  As she walked home, now totally drenched from the rain, the path in her mind finally led to her momma's words.  You see, as a little girl, this fear had gripped her, stealing peace in the day and her sleep at night.  And her  mother would gently whisper the same words over and over until she could sleep.  "Our God made a promise, child.  And he won't break it.  He promised seed time and harvest.  He promised day and night, rhythms that won't end.  He said he knows our hearts, the evil that springs forth even as children.  Yet he won't destroy us again.  He won't, dear child.  He promised."  And just as those words had pushed her to trust as a child, she had to make the choice to trust once again.  Trust was was all she had.  His promise was all she had.  He was all she had.

Almost home and ready to face the destruction she'd created with those words and that action, she looked to the sky longing to see those colors again.  To be reminded.  Though she couldn't find them, she knew her God could see them and that seemed to be enough.   Comfort came rushing in.  She knew her sin.  She knew the promise. More than that,  He knew the promise.  He was remembering.  He would keep his word.

The rain fell hard for the rest of the day and into the night.  She whispered apologies but knew it would take a while for wounds to heal.   Once again remembering his promise and remembering him proved to be enough to set her heart at ease on her most sinful days.  His promise not to destroy, but give life, gave  her a hope she didn't fully understand. As she lay down to finally rest those weary legs, the sound of the rain was strangely soothing now.

GRATITUDE 222 A prayer walk

Today was a rough day. My heart so needed to be reminded of my God who is good. Who loves lavishly. Who has washed me clean. Who is kind. And a prayer walk with a friend brought the reminder my heart was sooo in need of! Thankful for a set time to meet this friend for prayer and time in God's word. Thankful for pumpkins and sandhill cranes. For bright blue skies and pine cones. Thankful for the renewed perspective our time praying brought to my ever forgetful heart. 

GRATITUDE 221 Friends

Thankful today for the gift of friends... For my kiddos and for me. A friend who journeys honestly authentically and bravely. Love this mamma friend 

GRATITUDE 220 Still naming graces

Jackie boy has been busy fighting two strands of the flu...it's taken him a whole week to fight them off but he's back on track.  Seems Andy is coming down with the same thing now:(  But in the midst of sickness, still so many graces to be named.

Thankful for extra time with my sick boy this week.  I love that kid.
Thankful for white blood cells and the job they do.  Amazing really.  Thankful for restored health for Jack.
Thankful for a friend who bought me a latte when I was starting to feel run down myself.  (too much time in your house with a sick kids makes you feel sick even if you aren't!)
Thankful for my sister's new baby and how smoothly her delivery went!  YAY for new life!
Thankful for a blustery day and fall temperatures.
Thankful for grace from some friends.  Needed it this week,
Thankful for how hard the public school teachers work to accommodate each child's learning needs.
For coffee.  For Jo who brought it when I needed it.  For bougainvillea, one of my favorite flowers and the clipping of it that is sitting at my sink.
Thankful for cute kids in sweatshirts this morning making a fort in my backyard.

GRATITUDE 219 The gift of work

Today I am grateful for the gift of work.  The rhythm that work brings to life is a gift.  The health and vitality that works brings, a gift. Having dominion is what we were made for.  Such a gift that God has given us.

GRATITUDE 218 These three

He's sweet.  Tender.  Energetic.  Thoughtful. Strong and athletic.

 She's creative and bright.  Compassionate.  Deep.  Sprinkled with cinnamon on her nose.  

 He is fun.  So fun.  And sweet. Gregarious and extroverted.  A great snuggler.  

 My beloveds.  My lovies.  My children.  

Learning much about God's heart of love for me, as my heart aches with love for these three.  Precious.  Treasured.  Worth every bit of my life poured out for them.  

GRATITUDE 217 The song he sings

There is music in the air.  The Holy Spirit is singing me a song today and the first few verses are piercing.  I want to turn off my heart to the sound.  Make it stop.  But today I can't.  The song is ringing loud and clear, my heart proving over and over the truth of his words.    The song is about my sin.

 But just as song reaches it's ugliest note, the pitch and tempo change and the song becomes the sweetest thing my ears have ever heard.  The words delight me and my wretched heart begins to come alive with the the new beat...it's the beat of the Father's heart.  It's the gospel song.  Though the verses told me of sin that reaches every nook and cranny of my heart, the chorus now tells me that Jesus did what I couldn't do....he faced every temptation, always trusting his father, always relying on the spirit.  He was tempted to be greedy, to self-promote, to judge, to hate, as I was today.  Where I have failed today, he triumphed.  He defeated sin by living perfectly  for me and dying my death.  He took the wrath I should absorb.  And that sweet Spirit just  keeps singing....the song gets better and better. I can't stop listening.  The beginning verses  taught my heart of my sin, the chorus of my redemption and the bridge, oh the bridge....I can't help but dance now,  the rhythm is so compelling.  The bridge sings to me of a new life, a new power, a new family, a new hope.  All mine.  All mine.

 This is my song today, as sin raged in my heart.  It's my song tomorrow.  And it'll be my song throughout all eternity.  Sing on, Spirit, sing on.

Romans 7

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.^c For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

21So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. 24What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? 25Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!

Content with discontent

The wilderness of Paran, where Israel wandered for 40 years

If you know our story well, you know that stability has become sort of a novelty for us, surprising, rare, delightful.  It has come upon us so seldom in the past five years that its presence is surprising and not at all taken for granted.    It (stability) started happening a few months ago and I really thought we'd "arrived".  Finally we've landed in the promised land of stability, my heart starting thinking.  Yet once again, recent circumstances have ripped us right out of what I think of as my promised land and landed us back in the wilderness, groping, coping, and longing.

I am learning that stability is not my promised land.  This process is teaching me instead to be content with the discontent that life on earth brings.  I am learning to be sad over the brokenness of the now, while putting my hope not in the elusive over-promising and under-delivering "promised land" that I try to create on earth.

You see, we are all in the wilderness, longing for our promised land.  Whether it's the brokenness of a mind that causes chaos in a family, cancer, death, relational stress, our struggle against our sin or just the longing for more than this world can offer, we are aware that we are not home...

Yet God's presence is so real here in the wilderness.  As he led his people with the fiery cloud of his presence then, he so gently, yet powerfully leads me by his spirit and his word.  And he allows me fresh drinks from the ROCK of Christ when I am parched and languishing.  

Learning to hold all this in tension is taking time, but it's happening. He's teaching me how to be sad over the brokenness of our now, all the while joyfully partaking of his presence in the wilderness, and simultaneously longing to be fully in his presence, my true promised land.  I long for the redemption of our brokenness and sin, which has already begun. And more than those redemption stories being complete, there is a growing longing to see and be in the presence of the writer of these stories.  OH BLESSED REST to be with him.  HE is my promised land.

I don't want to cover up the brokenness of my now or run to some cheap imitation promised land that my heart creates.  Yet, I also don't want to focus only on the brokenness, as there is so much of his presence available to me now in the wilderness refresh and delight my soul.

How am I doing at being content with discontent  that this world brings?  What imitation promised lands am I  running to in order to soothe the longing in your heart for more? (THERE ARE SO MANY IN MY LIFE!!)  Do I see how God richly satisfies and sustains me here now in this wilderness?  I'm asking myself these questions today.

GRATITUDE 216 Unique precious jewels

Medieval Czech crown jewels on rare display in Prague.  Rarely on display as the value of the crown, which includes 96 jewels and dates back to the coronation of the king of Bohemia in 1347, is incalculable.  

To my dearest friends,
                Each of your friendships is a rare and precious jewel to me.  A gem that I treasure and love to behold regularly.  As I look upon the unique cuts of our friendships, I am in awe of the one who has faceted them, the one who has taken our simple friendships and over time has cut them into gems that reflect a unique internal brilliance from the inside and also disperse light into the world around us. Each friendship is so different, many with completely different cuts, yet each so beautiful to me.  

Though many gems naturally grow with facets that reflect light, making them to shine,God left it to the mind a man to discover more intricate and complex ways of cutting stones that maximize their ability to reflect light, giving them the beauty and brilliance that captures us.    A 17th century Italian named Peruzzi is thought to have first devised what is now known as the Brilliant Cut, undoubtedly the most widely known and used cut for diamonds.

Like the masters who carefully choose a cut that suits the stone and work with precision and care to bring as much brilliance as possible from the stone, our God is doing the same with our friendships.  So dear to me are the  friendships in which God has cut angles that reflect the light of silliness, coupled with angles that shine the beauty of a deep connection over God's word.  Precious to me are the friendships that have angles of shared love over crafts and nature, cooking, and laboring together to nurture our children's hearts.  Costly and treasured are the friendships that have been through fire yet shine just as brightly, if not brighter for the burning.  Our God has cut each of them so uniquely and beautifully, and there is brilliance to behold in each one.  A brilliance that mirrors the brilliance of the cut of the Trinity.

The angles and cuts of each friendship are as unique as each of you. You, my closest friends are   Costly.  Precious.  Treasured.  Stunning.  and your friendships, well,  they are the jewels in my crown.

GRATITUDE 215 Grateful for Gratitude

Gratitude has really transformed my heart this year.  A new awareness to all God has given me in and through his Son.  Gifts upon the GIFT.  And in my heart springs a new tenderness to my Father, as I grow in trust of his. good. heart.

I am putting gratitude into practice in new ways this week.  Gratitude is pushing me in an area where I feel disappointment.  Yes, it's true there are ways which this area of my life is less than I want it to be...but OH!  as I intentionally give thanks, I realize there's so much generosity from my Father in this area as well.  Gratitude, once again, is showing itself to be the means for renewing my perspective on my circumstances.  GRATEFUL for the command to give thanks in all circumstances.  Our God knows what he's talking about!

On that note...I've been giving thanks for small things this week related to my senses.

The smell of the dentist office.  Not that I love the smell but it represents that I go there enough to know the smell and that I can afford to have my teeth cared for.  Oh how lavish our life is.
The smell of a shoe store.  It hit me as I walked in this week.  Thankful for shoes and for money to buy them.
The familiar sound of my bread machine running all afternoon bringing back memories of a former life where bread baked and quiet Xiao Li's voice could be heard singing along to Chinese praise songs flowing from my living room.
The taste of homemade soup, not quite ready, on the stove.
The sight of fall decorations on my table.  Though it's hot outside, all things cozy are going on as we pretend fall.
The feeling of soft baby cheeks kissed as I put him down for his long nap, one of those I-have-a-cold- and-will-sleep-all-afternoon kind of naps.
The feeling of hot tears burning as I said goodbye to Elpis, our foster dog.  A love has grown in my heart for that little guy that I wasn't sure was possible. I love an animal.

Turns out these small things are really the big things...they are much more than the sound and the taste and the sight...they are about the heart.  About love between this mama and her child. About deep memories of gifts from the past. About humbling in my spirit, as I see that my God is a provider.  They are  about transformation...God making me a person who can overflow with love for even the littlest of his creation.  Gratitude is opening up the eyes of my heart to see the important things in life going on in invisible realm, between me and God and between me and my people. Turns out gratitude in the little things in really about the big things.

GRATITUDE 214 Halloween adventure

Halloween shopping with my bigs and sweet neighbor. Thankful today for fun with my kiddos!! We needed it after yesterday!

GRATITUDE 213 Peace for the single parent

First let me say, I stink at single parenting.  Totally stink.  Andy is out of town and so far today I've found Legos in my washing machine, blocks in the flower vase that sits on our ottoman, half eaten pizza crust in the cabinet where I keep my pots? The destruction a two years old can do to a house is incredible. Along with toys and food items in strange places, I also found a child of mine sitting in a storage container that they'd had filled with water, lemon juice and salt in an attempt to make a "spa bath."  .  And on top of all of that, the other child is really struggling to be kind today, which required a grounding and I didn't handle it super well.  Needless to say, my life today feels anything but orderly.

Andy brings a dose of order for sure, simply because of his type A personality (that I love, ahem) and because the numbers are a little more in our favor when he's around.  But Andy or no Andy, I can't depend on orderly circumstances to bring me peace.  Order comes and it goes and it can't give what my heart really needs.   Sometimes God allows everything in my life to feel totally out of order so that I will take a deep breath and look to a person, rather than circumstances to give me peace.

So I look to him, (after I complain a bit and then repent for that) and I recount his promise that all things are working for my good and that all hardships (even the ones of mothering) are his way of disciplining me, the child he loves.  That he's with me.  That he planned this day for me.  That he's good.  And that he loves to give grace for all my needs...strength to clean the messes.  Strength to direct my children to be responsible with their Legos, blocks, and pizza crusts.  Strength to respond kindly and lovingly to a struggling child.  Strength to keep on keepin' on in the endurance race that is raising little children into hearts-full-of-love-for-their-Savior adults.

He's so got this.  So I text my single parent mama and tell her she's awesome and then I move out in faith into the wilderness that is single parenting, fixing my eyes on him,  rather than the "spider web" my kids created in the front yard...