Roasted Pig Head and Toothpicks

This has been a rough week for me. It started last week when Matt and Laura left for Thailand. Since they've been in the US for the past 6 months, the reality of us not being in China has been slower to set in. We've talked on the phone and texted and even got to see them twice. Them leaving felt like the door to that chapter of our lives just got locked a little tighter. Many of our dear friends who live on that side of the world are all together at a gathering we have been a part of for the past 7 years. It was definitely a highlight of our time in Asia so we've been missing China even more as we've thought about not being there this year.

Then on Monday I woke up and one of my first thoughts was "I miss my apartment in China." We liked our apartment for sure, but it wasn't our dream home or anything. It's just that I miss this one particular spot in our old apartment. Every morning when it was still dark outside I would venture downstairs and make my coffee. I would turn on one lamp by the couch and read and pray. Except for my one little lamp, our downstairs was totally dark and quiet and I felt totally alone with the Lord. I cherished those early mornings. In our apartment here, I just don't have a spot. It's bothered me but I've never missed my "spot" in China with such intensity until Monday. It's funny how certain things just trigger emotions you weren't even aware of. It poured rain all day Monday and the weather kinda set the tone for my week.

On Tuesday I was really glad to not be alone! I went to this Bible Study with a group of women who have been or are in transition because of a move. We're reading a book called "After the boxes are unpacked." It was really good to be with people who know my China world. We talked about the idea of cherishing the past instead of clinging to it. We have to be able to let go and not cling in order to really allow God to move in and heal us and do the new things he wants to do in the new world he's brought us to. It was really helpful to think about but it also brought China to my mind even more.

Tuesday afternoon I went to a Chinese market with my friend Ping. She is a dear and I stalked her at a Chinese restaurant and made her be my friend a few months ago.

She absolutely loves our kiddos and it's been so fun to spend time with her. She is so Chinese and brought gifts for our kids to the house and then loaded them down with gum and xiao man tou and slimy grape drinks at the market. She even bought me an olive juice. Not my fave.

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She and I have been trying to go to this big Asian market together for a while now and it finally worked out for us to go on Tuesday. Not the best timing. I thought I would really enjoy it. And for the most part I did, but it also made me really sad. There is a large Asian community here and this market is just unbelievable. It has everything you can imagine. I expected to find lots of yummy produce...

They even had really bad bread in small square loaves!This store really is like and Asian Walmart.

But I never dreamed they would have all this random SO VERY CHINESE DONG XI (stuff). I mean seriously, anyone who has ever walked in any Chinese store will recognize all this stuff!!

This is the aisle where I started to lose it emotionally. I mean it is so China. With Madonna playing in the background and all this Chinese stuff around me, I was acutely aware that we aren't in China. Seeing all this random, cheaply made dong xi at high American prices about put me over the edge. I started to cry and then I started to do some impulse buying. I just felt this strong urge to buy something really chinesey. First I bought these:

I love these toothpicks. I mean I never really loved them in China, but I felt like I needed them on Wednesday. They just felt so China with the fake Mickey and the little container you could find at any hole in the wall restaurant. I am pretty sure buying random items like this qualifies as clinging to rather then cherishing the past.

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And then I walked over the butcher and got him to cut me a big slab of meat off a roasted pig hanging from the ceiling. I know. What was I thinking. In all my seven years in China I never once bought meat from a roasted hanging pig, but for some reason I was just compelled to. And I sat at a little table with another roasted pig head right beside me and ate it. Somehow sitting next to a dead roasted pig head made me feel better.

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I bought my favorite Chinese vegetable, cai xin, to cook and a few other spices and we headed home. I don't think I've ever felt farther from China than I did on Tuesday at the market.

On Wednesday I hit my low. Andy took the kids out so I could make our Chinese dinner, but instead I sat on my bed and cried. Trying to make Chinese food was like pouring salt in my wound. So I put on make up to cover my red eyes and we went out for burritos.

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It's not like the wish we were in China. I know this is where God has us. I love the things he is doing in my life here, in our family, and in our ministry here. And I actually really like Florida. But I just plain miss my old life, my friends, belonging, the vision of what we were about there. There's a lot I love about this new life and I have a deep trust in God's goodness in leading us here. But sometimes, you just need some hanging pig to cheer you up.

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On Thursday the sun came out and we ended up having a cookout by the pool with about 25 of our friends here. It was really fun and a much needed break from the heaviness of my week.

Finally today I had the emotional stability to cook my Chinese meal. It was delicious and everyone in our family gobbled it up. Emma Grace, eating with her hot pink chop sticks said, "I love Chinese food!' It felt so comforting to stand over my sink, already stuffed with veggies and rice and finish off the last of the garlicky cai xin, just like I did every time Xiao Li made it for lunch. It's my Chinese comfort food for sure.

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I'm hoping for a better day tomorrow. We're getting ready to have a snack and watch a movie, but before we do, I think I need a toothpick.